有沒有這麼可怕？「我不重要」

「你們決定就好。」

安靜而寡言內向的態度

表面上是大家的開心果，但事實上是漠視自己內在的感覺而去討好他人

在接受表揚時，會因焦慮緊張而表現失常

「你去找別人好了，他們比較好。」

「如果我再付出多些，自己再多改變些，他就會喜歡我了吧。」

「如果我死了，他們就會重視我了。」

我們渴望獲得他人的重視是很正常的，畢竟因為人的自我存在，通常是經由人與人之間的互動，才能夠感受到自身的存在感。
可是一旦這種重視過頭了，對自己對他人都是傷害阿～
也不是所有溝通都是互補型的，而是要有雙方的意願才能達成「交易」不是嗎？


...但是，如果根本就不知道自己有沒有做到什麼有意義的事情，是否就沒有資格談溝通、交易了呢？

是搖擺還是顫慄的不穩？

這種不安定的感覺已經持續到第二個學期了

某人從我認識她的第一天
就一直強調自己一點也不天真
這時候我就會想...
嗯...妳一點也不會不天真,還天真的要命
但同時我又開始反問自己...
其實我也很天真阿...只是比較自私一點而已（後來決定用'個人主義'這個字眼似乎會比較貼切）
那麼天真是啥？我跟她差這麼多...
她有話直說 說話幾乎不經大腦
而我沈默寡言 語出也不怎麼驚人
她社交廣闊 卻很怕其他人踏入深的領域（更精確的說 是'不准'）
我很少朋友 一旦有就很希望他們留在深的領域 卻不願也很怕其他人進入更深
的領域
...那麼我們共享著天真的特性？

嗯嗯...今天稍微想了一下
或許天真就是
---很容易被他人猜到想法---吧

且我還同時發現
以前的我似乎把天真跟傻看成同一個東西 雖然這兩者常常同時存在

那這個發現到底跟我的不安有啥關係呢？

我相信我自己根本就沒走過叛逆期
也許現在就是處於所謂的叛逆期...
我以前的認真習性（或是魅力？？）究竟跑到哪裡去了呢？
但說實在
以前的認真雖說符合認真的形象
我卻不認為是真正的認真---也就是出自於對某件事情的熱情的認真
現在的我擺脫了盲目的認真
卻徬徨於對任何事物毫不認真的迷霧中
大概連感情也是吧...根本就很懶阿......

雖然我嘴巴有時候很毒
但我的頭腦是很清楚的
我的這份懶散帶給我的形象是...
一副很有學問有傲氣的樣子-->被誤以為真的很有內容很有想法-->被提出一堆很有哲學思考禍根本就是測驗我社交技巧（我完全沒有...但別懷疑...我已經有投票權了）的問題-->發現我完全沒有想法而不知所措-->從此被晾在一邊 比背景還不如-->只能和別人客套 公事公辦往來-->陷入自怨自艾的思考循環（2年就會被拋棄一次的理論）
還有還有
這份懶散還帶給我一個大麻煩：
現在我根本就沒辦法對任何事情產生一絲一毫的熱情阿！！！

科學？人文？

前天有人提起了當初為何選擇走自然組或社會組的原因
當我很自然地回答這個問題的時候
才發現自己雖然一開始就已經很自然地成為自然人
但根本原因是啥？
我實在不願想像當時身為嬌嫩蘿莉的我會了解自己多少
於是我要開始數落我現在的推論了XD

先不提當今教育界如何試圖模糊科學和人文領域的可笑行為
以長久以來大家的普遍共識
自然組追求科學，社會組追求人文
應該沒什麼太大的偏差吧

那麼
身為自然組或社會組一員的各位
真的了解自己在追求的科學和人文分別是什麼東西嗎？

我個人很贊同這句「科學是追求真實，人文則是追求規範」
（雖然我真的忘了這句話的原文和出處了）
沒有錯，社會組的人很愛「定義」＝＝

再來，我更贊同這句「丟掉多數爛的蘋果比挑出一個最好的蘋果還容易許多」
（應該是我自己發明的...）

我不會選擇人文
人文是一個集合
這個集合是不同人透過不同意識形態的濾鏡下而產生的「知識」集合
假如我真的進了這種體系
我就必須試圖把所有經過別人濾鏡的東西再以自己的濾鏡過濾
這樣下來學習到的東西
會是原本的樣子嗎
雖說這也是人文領域最有趣的地方
但如果要在現實社會當中
真正讓學習這種行為維持學習的樣貌
（那你說學習的定義是啥阿？ 不要問無聊的問題）
雖不知科學做不做的到
但我肯定人文人作不到

逃避認同危機總是簡單一點嘛～對不對？

Some Notes for Lelouch the Rebellion

不一定要毀滅敵人,有攏絡的機會時加以把握,敵人會成為自己最佳的夥伴
不管我們使用的是正確或錯誤的方法,即使能做到所要的結果,相對地一定會失去現在所擁有的許多東西
想要脅迫他人,即使出自善意,自己一定要付出相應的代價
能夠開槍的人,只有擁有中彈覺悟的人
不玷汙自己的手,而一味譴責他人錯誤的人,更該被摧毀
對付白目的方法就是順著白目的意,而有趣的是,白目還會因此不爽
想要改變人類的本性,根本就是空談;唯有善加利用人性,才能成就偉大的事業;不過更有趣的是,通常想要脅迫人類改變本性的人們,本身更是被自己所對抗的人性操弄而不自知

My Tour in Animation?

Two whole weeks have passed and I have done nothing but those ridiculus and boring homework.

Somebody said something like he/she was the only one who has done everything he/she can do (to help everybody...err), but does he/she know what OTHER people are doing when he/she was happying around?
And I don't want to type more bad mood in this topic...it's too wasting time.

Fortunately, I watched two animation work: Ooram High School Host Club and Kuroshitzuzi.

Both are great art work!!!

I watched Atzuhime in my long summer break, and made me a fan of Atsuhime's.
Her wisdom AND beautiful tricks---FANTASTICS!!!
When I finally open the Ooram High School Host Club file, I assumed this animation is just a damsel manga.
But I was terribly wrong...Japanese are sooooo *!*
After less than 10 episodes, I can clearly see the "inside" artwork: changing life and changing mind; when you want something bad, you must lose something good in reward.
Maybe it's because of the animation's optimistic mood that makes me quite self-confident for the next few days.
I even utilize Atzuhime's and Haruhi's "warming" skills to try to correct (sort of) my mistakes in the organic chemistry experiment course last Friday.

But Kuroshitzuzi is truly a MIRACLE.
Devil VS Angel, and who would won?
And...the most important question: what are devil and angel separately?
This is really interesting.
The following is what I get:
Devil and angel are separated by human heart.
When they gather and cooperate, they form a being's charactor.
Just as angels cannot defeat/destroy all devils, no devil can do the same to angels.
They must live forever...as long as people keep walking on this planet.
Angels and devils are not really the angels and devils we know long.
Angles can be cruel, although they always yell: clear all the dirty >"<
Devils can be tender, because they cling to human...very tightly.
So long as you sacrifice, you'll get what you ask...and devils never lie/betray you...until the day you pay comes.
Just because devils are soooo understanding and trustworthy and because angels are soooo far-fetched and seemingly holy and pure, we all need to learn:
-A devil's skills and an angel's attitude.
-A devil's heart and an angel's mouth.
What's more, nothing can be found again if you lost it.
And actually, nothing you have found can be the same over time.
If you have to play the game, you must stand right in yourself.

Sometimes I wish I can be more Ciel than Haruhi.
Ciel is such a brave guy!

Some Words

Victory creates hatred. Defeat creates suffering. Those who are wise strive for neither victory nor defeat. --Buddha

Quite true.
But I think actually this quote means the true victory should not be an exterior victory.

And actually, it should be fine for me to defeat and make suffering over the one who doesn't know how to gain a true victory over me.
=============
When he stands himeself as an island, you should bend yourself as a bridge. Thus, when he finally turns back, there will be a bridge for him to cross over. --DoDo

This is so sweet and wise at the same time.
Sometimes, I really don't know how to deal with things like "he truned his back on me" or "why didn't she reply?"
=============
People are always like this: if I can't get it, I concern; if I get it, I won't even take a damn look on it. --DoDo (Hypnogenesis)

For beautiful items, this may not be true; however, for people, this is always true><"
And take a look at this quote and the topic for it.
This quote is originally for pessimists.
But this quote actually tells me one thing: optimists are actually good hypnotizers, aren't they?
=============
Just because there is no standard answer, we have much space to think it over. --DoDo (A Narrow Opening)
Again, this quote and its topic...pretty...nice.

The Book "Secret" 3

p.157
"In an election, he whom people hate most is the easiest one to win the election, because this person receives most attention and energy."
Did you learn your elementary math?

p.161
"Our universe is fertile...So we can get anything we want as much as we want. "
Ridiculous!
That's because you don't see how the universe counts your debt!
Don't forget that the world exist on the principle of balance.

p.196
"Embrace your good."
-->, and don't forget your bad.

Conclusion:
1. Is this a new religion?
2. Is this Marx?
3. The higher you are, the lonelier you'll be.

The Book "Secret" 2

p.86
"When you look into the mirror, it's not you right now but YOU in the past."
Don't worry, I now am my future's own slave.

p.93
"Grace Stone"
If you believe shit is the gourmet's choice, of course that shit would serve your stomach good.
Placebo effect again.

p.95
"When you imagine yourself are riding a bike, the motor area in your brain is working even though you're not actually riding a bike."
This is, again, a neurobiological phenomenon.
Of course you have to own this ability, or you wouldn't be able to be prepared for anything in life.

p.109
"You can get everything you can think of."
Thanks to God. Not everyone can think of everything legendary.

p.122
"For money, the proverb still works: as you give, so shall you receive."
This is actually an investment, not a "I am that I am."

p.131
"Your dutiful for yourself."
Definitely.

p.136
"Love is the stat of existence."
I want to reverse this statement.
-->Trust is the stat of existence.
Love is just a phenomenon of trust.
Love is an eager trust---the strongest trust for your lust.

p.145
"We don't want to get old...We can keep ourselves young in mind..."
I don't think this is a nice statement, because oldness brings mellowness.
I want to keep my skin young and pretty, but in mind mellowed.

p.148
"You have to eliminate your pressure...and you'll feel comfortable."
This is...rubbish!

p.156
"What you fight against will last long."
This is the evidence of history: balance.

The Book "Secret"

This book, I have to say, very good, because it really is a very useful placebo for our future patients.
The principle of the book is nice. I'll say something about this.
However, there are also so many mistakes in this book that I just can't help myself spit out.

p.21
"One that touches pitch shall be defiled."
This is what I called principle in this book.
Owww, great wisdom!!!

p.26
"In this life, we spend most of our time concentrating on those we do NOT want, and least of our time on those we DO want."
This is true, and for sure.
I remember when I was thinking about my future occupation, I first crossed out those I do not want.
But, I don't think we should ALWAYS think of what we want.
Actually, we should always aware of what we want, cauz' these things are our Achille's heel.
Moreover, when you think of those you don't want, you can see what OTHER people want at the same time.

p.44
"Emotion is our nature."
This is definitely right.
We ALWAYS follow our emotion to deal EVERY single thing in our life.
What we called "rationality" is just traits which fit into our personalities, because this "rationality" makes us happy easily.

p.47
"FEEDBACK"
I don't really believe this.
But there exits a more accurate note for this theory: Emotions can last easily, and you can choose to see all the "feedback "in just the emotion you have when you do things.

p.53
"Love IS lust!!!"
Love IS the strongest lust to own somebody or something, and what is more unbelievable, love doesn't let ANYBODY in! (I have to WIN WIN WIN ==")
What is more stronger than this lust?
No doubt.
Maybe this is the only one moral lust in the world, so we have to cherish.

p.59-75
"Ask-Believe-Receive"
This kind of "step by step" really makes me laugh.
Do you notice that?
This is just like a RELIGION.
(Welcome to ask your lord and you must believe him, or you may...)
I don't think this is bad but sometimes this thing really...

p.76
Here comes the most critical point for me:
"Time does not exist."
"Things will happen in the future is actually working around you NOW."
This is the poor stroke in the book.
Think about this:
If these two statements are true, what the hell should we read this book and hope that one day our dream will come true?
The statements tell us that we don't have to worry, because everything is already settled NOW!
Why should we force ourselves to follow this book and change our life? Those settled cannot change, right?
In p.80, this book tells us more:"Create your own life previously!"
This makes things more ridiculous.....

(To Be Continued)

背影

我打賭過爸爸絕對沒有讀過朱自清的背影
可是他今天語重心長地發出一聲感慨：
＂人，都是看著人家的背影走的。＂
我嚇了一跳
可是他接著補充：
＂小的時候，看著別人的背影走；到大的時候，就是看著自己小孩的背影走＂
我快哭了出來
我感受到的不只是濃濃的親情，＂人生就是如此＂的想法更是烙刻在心頭

比起朱自清以兒子的角度來描寫父親
我還覺得爸爸對背影的詮釋，是更加深刻的
人還是小孩子的時候，總是跟隨著父母親及其他長輩走
即使是在歐美國家比較民主式的家教下
孩子們還是會自尋榜樣來follow
就算長成青少年，我們也會自己設定目標
要成為甚麼樣的人
成家立業後，又回歸到follow自己的父母親
希望給孩子們一個舒適又溫暖的環境
但是在養成孩子的過程中
自己卻毫不知覺的
一直追逐著孩子的腳步
不只一起成長，還是在精力旺盛的孩子後頭拿著水壺毛巾追著跑！
老了之後更明顯
更是望著自己孩子長熟的背影
以後更是紅著眼眶望著自己的孫子輩
又是曾孫輩..........

這不就是人生嗎？

從小老師教我們寫作文
＂我的偶像＂
還記得吧？
我從小到大，一直覺得這種作文最難寫
為什麼？
因為我總覺得所謂的偶像為什麼一定要是史懷哲？或是居禮夫人？
即使我的確很佩服他們

這是很矛盾的心思
可是我還是覺得我這樣的想法很符合我最自然的本意

我的偶像是變動的
我目前的偶像就是我爸媽

若說偶像就是值得我追逐的背影
那我就要選擇我親愛的家人

家人才是我唯一可以依靠的

友情可以欺騙，愛情可以背叛，工作關係更可以顛覆（對不起阿）

但我真正可以追逐的
只有我的家人
只有我的家人才有這個權利

仍是雜

堅持不哭哭的堅持一直是值得哭哭的堅持

當一個人學會感覺, 那麼這個人同時也學會表達

我的一生, 剛開始是被別人製作成照片; 青少年時是由自己蒐集別人的照片; 中壯年時忙著製作別人的照片; 老年後則是忙著尋找自己以前的照片

雜碎

最近有了一些小小的感想


如果我們已經相信了1+1=2, 我們就得接受機率這件事, 更得接受運氣的存在

我們依賴情緒維生, 依賴情緒記憶事情, 而這種依賴就造成了對利益的依賴

要先相信, 才有希望, 有了希望, 才能讓自己為生而忙, 為生而忙就不會為死而忙
不過, 相信本身就是個令人忙碌的事情

Am I Really Thoughtful?

Sometimes, I do hear people say that I am thoughtful and I often think up some interesting ideas.
I don't think so.
You can say I'm inconfident. But I am really damn lazy to think.
I don't give a damn to almost everything.
I only care about myself---my own feelings. Read my blog and you'll see this.
I don't say I'm immune to emoitons but I am immune to anything happen arround me.
I hate calculating what this life is worthwhile for.
I hate discussing what other peoples' crazy speeches and thoughts.
I hate everything that is imposed on me.
So, how do you pursuade me to believe myself as a good thinker and a good care giver?

Am I Really Rational?

Many say that they are very surprised to find me really rational rather than sensational.
Many say that they are even more surprised to find me really cold and unconcerned.
But I didn't tell them: I'm surprised too!! I don't even know that I am such a tough person who scares everybody away from me!!
J says sometimes I look like a damned shit when I am TIRED.
Oh, yeah? Now THAT is the reason!!
Don't you think it is pretty hard to communicate with these damn people?
Don't you think talking and thinking really bring you down and expend all your energy?
Don't you think these interaction with people, especially known ones, is really wasting my time, since nobody will pay a damn shit on you when you are down and exausted with those damn realities?
Don't you think when you're successful everybody, of course including you my DEAR, will try to show a damn bit more respect to you while they just spit on your grave when you finally get some place to rest down away from these damn shit things?

Don't you think I am pretty sensational (or irrational) asking you these questions?

I am irrational because I always laugh an unwilling laugh.
I am irrational because I always smile an unwilling smile.
I am irrational because I always appear in an unhappy place everyday.
I AM irrational because I always receive your complaints for the real irrational me I show you, J!!
That F*** You song should be there for everybody to sing!!

I just hope that I CAN be that rational person all of you see!!
As clever and realistic as you all said!!

天底下真有這麼巧的事

真是太好笑了
我還以為我的個性已經夠悲哀了
悲哀到這世界已經沒有人跟我像了
不過呢
今天發現台灣就有一個
還po到yahoo知識+交友
自稱怪咖...哈哈(握手)
他說他的個性是...
友善............算有
隨和............當然有
羅曼蒂克....不太可能
積極............NO
進取............以前沒有..現在有
粗枝大葉....我認同
善解人意....of course
熱情大方....NO..其實我也想變成這樣的人
淡泊名利....這是我最大的優點
不拘小節....這釋啥東西誰來給我解釋= =
心地善良....算有
活潑好動....NO
忠厚老實....當然
內向害羞....這是我最大的缺點
單純率真....ㄎㄎㄎ不好意思這是我的優點
幽默風趣....NO..但想朝著這方向邁進
成熟穩重....我想笑..這跟我怎麼會扯ㄉ上關係
外冷內熱....我是這種人沒有錯
溫柔婉約....=..=我有需要努力著這方向邁進ㄇ= =?
樂觀開朗....怎麼可能....哈哈哈..不過我會努力的
易情緒化....好像有喔.....嗚...
冷酷孤僻....有耶..........
誠懇實在....最大優點之一
爽朗健談.....去參加卡內基看會不會變成這樣好ㄌ
多愁善感.....悲哀的缺點
細心體貼.....不細心 但體貼..誰把這兩個形容詞放在一起的?
急公好義.....應該有一點點吧
隨興自在.....應該有吧
腳踏實地.....有!
擇善固執.....擇善是什麼我不知道..不過我知道我固執
正直坦白.....最大優點之一
謙和有禮.....好像…沒有耶………不過我很欣賞這種人..我也想變成這種人
沈默寡言.....埃…悲哀ㄉ缺點
搞怪頑皮.....ㄏㄏㄏ好像有喔!!
聰明伶俐.....要看哪方面~~有時候我很聰明是沒有錯..有時候卻很笨= =
精明幹練.....很想變成這種人
優柔寡斷.....算有
吊兒啷噹.....感覺好像跟我扯不上邊..可以我總覺得我好像有耶

ㄎㄎ
看來我是不是也該上知識+交友阿?

我對宗教的想法

宗教...真是個有趣的現象...
根據國中課本,可以發現:人類文化發展和宗教觀念的發展是息息相關的
宗教甚至在人類史前文明的早期就開始占有一席之地
至於我個人...不會去反對這種東西
但是當我上大學後有了被教會的人死纏爛打的經驗之後
我真的忍不住手癢要寫下這幾句個人見解:
宗教 在我的認知裡
呈現了一種自我的面向
有點像Freud的superego
有道德超脫,甚至有超能力的感覺
甚至可以說是人生追求的目標
一個典範.一種可能
這就是為甚麼
每當教會的人費盡心思跟我說明請God進入我心來使我的人生計畫得以實現時
我都會回嗆:
喔?我就這樣把王位讓給他嗎?為啥沒有我跟他談判的空間?"我"才是實現人生計畫的重點人物吧!"我"才是God的化身吧(以人生計畫的觀點來說)
唉...只能說
這些宗教狂熱份子的智慧是我無法理解的:P

Fairness & Justice

Jouney to Hell!!!
Why people always seek the actions against evolution? Or in a modest term, why people always try to speed up the rate of evolution?
Including the idea of medicine and the foundation of fairness and justice, humans keep fight against the nature.
Nature favors the stronger, and in the nature LAWS, we should let it be just it should be.
However, being a human and a future doctor, I believe many will expect me to fight.
I really wonder if there are any other species on earth favors fighting against nature.
Look, Epola and AIDS appears to block our crazy actions.
Look, there is never a perfect way to treat everybody well and fairly in Jouney to Hell(maybe Journey of Life?).
Is fighting against evolution really a high-class shot?

We'll recieve more letters of challenge from heavon to hell, and from humans to gods.

Distances & Responsibilities

Being an adult should be a proud thing.
But it is not true.
When you finally grow up enough to be an adult, you are going to say goodbye forever to those fairy tale days.
Instead, you are facing a lot of heavy tasks, especially for the jobs I'll hold.
Actually, everyday I gotta face a bunch of problems about dealing with the distances for human relationship and the life-related responsibilities.
Yeah, I'm not REALLY old enough to face with the saving-life matters, but being a college student---especially a med one, I work hard but still don't get the essence of keeping the RIGHT distances with people around me.
Sometimes, I feel that I'm quite a popular hotshot.
But in most of the cases, I don't really get into the situation, which disables me to seek the pathway into human beings---I don't get WHAT THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT.
I make friends, but quite few real ones.
When I start to think about all this, I almost go nuts.
How close should we be? To what degree of alert should I keep?
What I should be careful for, others' interaction matters or the affections and trust for that person?
Maybe I never believe people, and I try to do the reverse.
I wish and I will get hurt some other time.
Everybody NEEDS to get hurt for some degree, so that he can live a relatively longer and happier life.
But here, I hope I don't get hurt from those close friends of mine, and this is not possible.
"I drew a line and wish that nobody will pass through, but that is only a minor wish not long before the day that people break through it."

Long Time No See

It's not because I want to show off my English, but because of some errors of keying in Chinese characters, I decided to post this article in English.
It's been long time since I last posted my article.
This is weird.
Now I am really a college student who is always busy handling some trivial things.
Sometimes I ask myself why I should choose this kind of life for myself.
I'm not afraid though, just a little buffled.
TO BE A DOCTER.
A holy job (or mission?) , right?
I agree.
And the worst part is, I'd LIKE to be a doctor.
I don't hate or regret anything I do now.
I'm just thinking......
My friends told me that I should do my best to enjoy the first two years in medical school, and I know it's true.
Enjoy!
It means I should enjoy anything I WANT to enjoy now.
Then I found...
I just want to do what a typical medical student do.
I feel ashamed of this actually.
Is this because I've lived a relatively steady life?
So I want to place an IF here:
Someday I suddenly want to try something new?
Would I have the courage to break down everything I already have?
Or I would just build up something new behind my mask of "success"?

Then I found something even more interesting in myself:
Sometimes you can't blame a criminal for the crime he commited, because he may be a criminal under some conditions that he cannot control or notice.

邪惡?瘋子?(La Mort de Belle摘錄修改)

邪惡的思想,不是甚麼妖魔鬼怪
而是每個人太過於傾向隨心所欲的一種生活型態
一種面對生命及其陷阱極危險的態度
或是對於某些慾望和誘惑的熱中與寬容

人們自覺信心滿滿又純潔無暇
感受到法律.正義的存在
但他們的心悅誠服的確是安分守己嗎?
為何要假裝自己沒有汙點也沒有缺點?
為了甚麼要維持這種搖搖欲墜的心安理得?

難道不是因為社會已面臨苟延殘喘的命運?
已經有人違法亂紀,遊走社會邊緣並藐視法律
這個人應該要找出來加以嚴懲
因為他是一個毀滅份子
但這個毀滅份子是該被毀滅的核心?
還是他是無辜的?
只是一種社會生命的突現?一種證明?

是人們自己
只是人們給自己設下的禁忌而已
可能有些事對自身或對別人來說會有不同的意義吧?
但若是沒了酒店和加油站
晚間在大馬路上需要用甚麼當作指標呢?

我深自相信,不只是許多
而是任何一種心智活動
都是一種疾病
------Fyodor Dostoyevsky