I Feel Like You Wouldn't Love Me If You Were Me

At first, I didn't really like Suzaku.
Um well, actually I hated him.
Sure, he is miserable because he has to grow with a sense of crime.
However, he is not taking the responsibility. (while Lulu is)
If he really wants to atone his crime, he should force himself to live and to help build a better world (no matter in his own way or Lulu's way) but not to pray for himself death (if you really want to die, you were dead already)
His thought about "obeying rules" especially disgusts me:
Comparing to involving in a rebellion, you are more willing to stay just because it is more easier to obey rules.
Comparing to reject the ejection of Flayia, it is more easier to obey rules and slaughter millions of people.
This is why I hated him.
(Actually I don't blame him for the choice of helping Japanese in a peaceful way...of course, if he is really hoping for other people's peace, not his own peace)

But, the question is
I am just like what I hated about Suzaku.
I want to be first (not only in schoolwork but also in social interaction), but at the same time, I look down on any possibly effective ways toward success.
I wanna be a leader, but most of the time I just follow others and privately criticizing them.
So what I look like is really a pompous nuisance, I believe.
Want proof?
Let's just see what happened today:
A: Hey, do you know what my junior behave like in class?
B: ...
A: ?
C: ...
A: ??
B: ...well, she...was quite like a scary ghost when her hair was let down.
A: ...
(A, B, C are not me)
What I could do was only give a embarrased smile.
So what did I get?
What I found out is:
I exist in class = I do not exist in class
If I disappear for a whole week and all the teachers forget to call the roll, I guess nobody would find out that I was gone.
SOOOO SAD...isn't it?
But I really don't have the courage to face it...which is much sadder.
I cry again.

科學？人文？

前天有人提起了當初為何選擇走自然組或社會組的原因
當我很自然地回答這個問題的時候
才發現自己雖然一開始就已經很自然地成為自然人
但根本原因是啥？
我實在不願想像當時身為嬌嫩蘿莉的我會了解自己多少
於是我要開始數落我現在的推論了XD

先不提當今教育界如何試圖模糊科學和人文領域的可笑行為
以長久以來大家的普遍共識
自然組追求科學，社會組追求人文
應該沒什麼太大的偏差吧

那麼
身為自然組或社會組一員的各位
真的了解自己在追求的科學和人文分別是什麼東西嗎？

我個人很贊同這句「科學是追求真實，人文則是追求規範」
（雖然我真的忘了這句話的原文和出處了）
沒有錯，社會組的人很愛「定義」＝＝

再來，我更贊同這句「丟掉多數爛的蘋果比挑出一個最好的蘋果還容易許多」
（應該是我自己發明的...）

我不會選擇人文
人文是一個集合
這個集合是不同人透過不同意識形態的濾鏡下而產生的「知識」集合
假如我真的進了這種體系
我就必須試圖把所有經過別人濾鏡的東西再以自己的濾鏡過濾
這樣下來學習到的東西
會是原本的樣子嗎
雖說這也是人文領域最有趣的地方
但如果要在現實社會當中
真正讓學習這種行為維持學習的樣貌
（那你說學習的定義是啥阿？ 不要問無聊的問題）
雖不知科學做不做的到
但我肯定人文人作不到

逃避認同危機總是簡單一點嘛～對不對？