I Feel Like You Wouldn't Love Me If You Were Me

At first, I didn't really like Suzaku.
Um well, actually I hated him.
Sure, he is miserable because he has to grow with a sense of crime.
However, he is not taking the responsibility. (while Lulu is)
If he really wants to atone his crime, he should force himself to live and to help build a better world (no matter in his own way or Lulu's way) but not to pray for himself death (if you really want to die, you were dead already)
His thought about "obeying rules" especially disgusts me:
Comparing to involving in a rebellion, you are more willing to stay just because it is more easier to obey rules.
Comparing to reject the ejection of Flayia, it is more easier to obey rules and slaughter millions of people.
This is why I hated him.
(Actually I don't blame him for the choice of helping Japanese in a peaceful way...of course, if he is really hoping for other people's peace, not his own peace)

But, the question is
I am just like what I hated about Suzaku.
I want to be first (not only in schoolwork but also in social interaction), but at the same time, I look down on any possibly effective ways toward success.
I wanna be a leader, but most of the time I just follow others and privately criticizing them.
So what I look like is really a pompous nuisance, I believe.
Want proof?
Let's just see what happened today:
A: Hey, do you know what my junior behave like in class?
B: ...
A: ?
C: ...
A: ??
B: ...well, she...was quite like a scary ghost when her hair was let down.
A: ...
(A, B, C are not me)
What I could do was only give a embarrased smile.
So what did I get?
What I found out is:
I exist in class = I do not exist in class
If I disappear for a whole week and all the teachers forget to call the roll, I guess nobody would find out that I was gone.
SOOOO SAD...isn't it?
But I really don't have the courage to face it...which is much sadder.
I cry again.